So it’s official. I’m superbly fucked up. Irreversibly and undeniably fucked up. But perhaps I should back up a bit. There is a story to tell. The college I currently attend requires a placement test prior to selecting your course plan. That said, last December, when I first arrived on campus, I took mine. After walking down a long and admittedly intimidating hall, I arrived at a small desk awkwardly placed at the end. Next to the desk was the actual testing center. Seated at the desk was a Person. This Person was tall, dark haired, and bespectacled, which would have piqued my interest any way, but when he spoke, I was drawn in immediately. He was well spoken, friendly, and given the fact that I clearly recall laughing at something, I’d say he was funny. I passed my tests, and over the course of the next couple months, he popped into my mind every now and then. Those few months were sort of treacherous, what with a full time school schedule, work, and a less than decent boyfriend, but in April, fate brought me back to the testing center. I had fallen ill and missed an important music quiz. Now, rather than simply greeting me upon arrival at that little awkward desk, this Person appeared to be running the testing center, and he administered my quiz. I am sad to say that I do not remember exactly what was said, but there was one discovery that I recall clearly. Upon verifying my identification, he discovered that we have the same name. My nickname is his first name. And through this small coincidence, a rapport was struck. Right around this time, I began working at the college, where I greet incoming guests, answer phones, and basically get paid to do my homework (it’s a pretty sweet deal.). Everyone who enters or exits the main doors passes me, and naturally this included Mr. Testing Guy. For the next couple months, we exchanged little beyond ‘have a good night’, but out of nowhere he lingered by the desk to chat one evening. And then, this became a regular thing. And then, and I’m not really sure how, this translated to semi-awkward gift giving. One day, he offered me candy, a gesture that I thought was sweet and tried to return. And then he returned my returned gesture. And then I returned his returned gesture. And over time our gifts were getting somewhat ridiculous so about a week ago, I resolved to just ask him to grab coffee with me some time. This was a surprisingly difficult decision. He was cute and I was enjoying our (brief) conversations, but I start to resemble a very nervous porcupine where actual dating is concerned. When things start to move into that ‘getting to know you’ bubble, I get prickly and indecisive. So when he came to chat as usual, and then beat me to the punch, I was quite relieved. He asked me if I would like to have coffee some time, and I accepted. There were the usual feelings of giddiness that accompany such high success, and I met him the next day for approximately a half an hour on campus. Now, I had been into Mr. Testing Guy for quite a while, and I suppose that I might have built him up a bit in my mind. I wasn’t disappointed, but I walked away feeling something that wasn’t elation and glee. I think it might have been apprehension. (Or indigestion. One or the other.) Shortly thereafter, I met him for lunch. That was yesterday. And now I am extremely confused. So by any and all reason, this should work. He is exactly what I have been looking for, for a very long time. He’s the older clean-cut geek, with glasses and a master’s degree. He’s respectful, responsible, the right balance of agreeable and unafraid to express his own opinion, kinda witty, and lordy is he tall. We seem to have unusually similar personality quirks, and enough common interests to keep the conversation flowing nicely. However, a few things have jumped out at me in the short time that I’ve gotten to know him and they are worthy of noting. 1. He dropped two bombs. Anime and gaming. They were just two words, simple and average for the millennial generation’s pool of interests, but they startled me a little. 2. He displays some slight awkward timidity. 3. On that first day, I thought he was pretty freaking cute. I thought he was cute all throughout those months that I spent with a douche bag. I thought he was cute as he leaned upon the desk and chatted amiably for those few weeks. Now, I have no idea how I feel about him in that regard. I don’t feel a strong physical pull anymore all of a sudden. So, I told myself I would never date another gamer again. It just never works out well for me. I am an adventurous spirit, and I am much more attracted to someone who wants to get out there and explore the world, rather than sit in a darkened basement practicing thumb agility for five hours straight. However, he expressed a similarly adventurous spirit when he described a recent ten day solitary trip to Japan. I felt like I was listening to myself describe my grand plan to venture to Key West that I had planned for this summer. As for the anime, my ex was an anime fanatic and the fetishes that corresponded were disturbing on several levels. (Cat suits? Octopus tentacles? What the fuck?) His timidity is something I would ordinarily have found kind of cute, so I’m not sure why I’m put off by it now. And he apologizes for the smallest, most insignificant perceived wrong doing. (Standing in my way, or forgetting incredibly specific details of something I’ve told him, for example.) And finally, the most concerning aspect of this, I am not insanely out of my mind attracted to him. He is completely my type, so this makes absolutely no sense. I talked to dear friend directly after our little lunch outing, and discussed with her my qualms. She came to a conclusion that I have to admit is pretty accurate. The last guy did enough damage that I am in a sickeningly jaded place. Actually, I’m terrified. Terrified, not that this won’t work out, but that it will. I am already somewhat (okay, okay, a lot) guarded and to be that vulnerable again, to open up like that… To undress completely and stand naked in someone else’s blinding sunlight… Last time I did that, I got so lost. I’m finally in a place where I know myself, and what I want, and what I don’t want. I am finally me. I can’t lose that again. And now that we have exited that fantasy land of What Could Be, and are entering the new and frightening Whatever We Are Right Now, I am scared as hell. So I’m not really sure what to do here. He has already dropped small hints at his interest (Phrases like “that’s why I was interested in you to begin with” tend to convey that, I think.) and he’s gently crossing that touch barrier. Meanwhile I’m Stonewall by default. I wish it wasn’t such a game. I really don’t want to play. I just want to talk, and maybe drink, or perhaps see a play. None of this wondering shit. Something I do know is I have been thinking about him incessantly, give or take a few minutes to, like, breathe here and there. But what does that indicate at this point? I’m not really sure.
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